by Floyd Nicholson
When I first became a pastor in Brooklyn, N.Y., I readily began marrying couples who came asking me to perform their ceremony. Having been married myself without counseling, I didn’t bother to counsel the ones I married.
However, it wasn’t long before some of the couples began coming back to me for marriage help. I quickly saw that I had put the ceremony cart in front of the counseling horse. These couples had not really learned who the other person was in character and behavior. Now that they were married, they were having to deal with surprises and revelations.
So I began developing a series of sessions that dealt both with the Word of God on marriage and some fundamentals on handling this new relationship. The first session was based on Ephesians 5–“Wives, submit to your husbands,” and “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” I felt these two instructions were so important in married life that I made them my starting point. In the first counseling session, I would actually try to talk the couple out of getting married.
To the young woman I’d say, “Do you really want to spend the rest of your life following the leadership and direction this man gives you, whether you agree with him or not? Submission means the ‘three R’s’–to receive direction, respond to him with a supportive attitude, and show respect to him at all times. Is this what you are ready to do with the rest of your life?”
I would also challenge the man about loving his wife like Christ loved the church. “Are you willing to give up your life for the purpose of making her life more important than your own? That is what Christ did. Are you ready to lay aside your plans in favor of this woman, no matter what she says or does for the rest of your life?”
This evoked some interesting responses! I went on to say, “A successful marriage means being willing to accept each other just as you are without requiring the other person to change anything. Are you willing to accept your partner without any anticipated changes?”
Now quite a few years later, I still emphasize these foundational principles in my premarital counseling. I explain in detail the reality of following God’s Word regarding individual roles in a marriage. To introduce this, I often ask the question, “How many does it take to have a successful, godly marriage?” Some will say two. The more spiritually minded will often say three, meaning the husband, the wife, and God at the center.
I surprise them by responding, “No, actually God’s Word says it takes only one!” 1 Corinthians 7 describes how an individual is to react when their spouse is not doing what they should. I read the paragraph (starting in verse 12) on staying in place as a force for good, and I highlight especially verse 16, which tells both parties, “How do you know what God will do!” I then turn to Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This certainly applies to the one closest to us.
This kind of direct approach has in fact made at least a few young couples back away from their plans to marry after all. A few others have postponed their wedding for a season until they could work through the issues. Those who stayed on schedule have benefited from facing the bedrock principles of what a godly marriage requires.
Other sessions move along to the subjects of communication, conflict resolution, finances, goals, family and friends. Only in the final session do we get around to working out a ceremony and reception that would be pleasing to the Lord.
Here at New City Gospel Fellowship, we also require all couples to take the Prepare-Enrich diagnostic evaluation (see http://www.prepare-enrich.com for details) that covers 11 different areas. It costs $35 per couple, but it’s money well spent as it pinpoints aspects that need further counseling attention.
We also do a set of group classes on the second Saturday of each month for all engaged couples. Four of us (three pastors and a financial counselor) cover four subjects:
1. Communication, conflict resolution, and the gift of sex
2. Roles in marriage and children
3. Spirituality in marriage
4. Finances and budgeting
Yes, all of this takes time. Our church schedules are busy enough without this load. But we believe if people are going to make a lifetime commitment to one another that can span 50 years or more, our investment of six to eight hours of premarital counseling is small in proportion. We want couples to at least prepare to face the reality of living together as husband and wife. This means they must understand the requirements of God’s Word and count the cost of living in harmony with God’s plan and with each other.
Floyd Nicholson is associate pastor of Gracepoint Gospel Fellowship, New City, N.Y. Email Floyd: pastorfloyd@gracepointgospel.org
