Would you want the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse trampling through your home? The end-times imagery that John paints in his Revelation captures the grim effect these destroyers will have on the planet.
Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, has invested 25 years of research in identifying some common destroyers of marriage. He claims a 91 percent accuracy rate in predicting whether a couple will succeed or fail, based on certain criteria. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he states, “These predictions are not based on my intuition or preconceived notions of what marriage ‘should be,’ but on the data I’ve accumulated over years of study.”
In almost every couple I counsel, I recognize the presence of one or more of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen.” They are:
The First Horseman-CRITICISM
All of us will have complaints about the person we are married to. But there is a huge difference between a complaint and a criticism. “A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed,” says Dr. Gottman. “A criticism is more global – it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.”
The Second Horseman-CONTEMPT
This is, in fact, the worst of the four. Because so few homes have the infrastructure of safety and honesty, contempt begins to eke out of angry, disappointed hearts. Long-standing negative thoughts about your spouse find their expression in cynical, sarcastic and eventually, belligerent behavior.
The Third Horseman-DEFENSIVENESS
When one partner becomes defensive in the face of sarcasm or criticism, it often seems reasonable. The catch-22 is that “research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize.” What may initially be intended as a form of protection or need for validation actually only fuels the flames of criticism and contempt.
The Fourth Horseman-STONEWALLING
Couples I’ve counseled have become so wrung out from the negative cycle described above that they have stopped talking to each other. One wife requested her husband to clean some outside windows on their house that had become unsightly. The husband promised to do the task that weekend. Slightly before noon on Saturday, the husband was relaxing around the house and turned on the TV. At that, the wife began to question his priorities. He immediately became defensive, which only escalated her contempt toward her “lazy, uncaring” husband. In short order, the husband shut down emotionally, left in his truck, and didn’t talk to her for days. In fact, this scenario had been repeated so many times in their marriage that the husband had become a professional stonewaller, shutting out his wife and assuring her that he could care less.
Gottman points out that this final horseman usually shows up later in marriage following multiple failed attempts at reconciliation.
Don’t Ignore the Horsemen
Is there an “apocalyptic” feel to your marriage because of these destructive forces? If so, they must be destroyed before they destroy you! For some, you are so entrenched in this negative cycle, you have no hope that you can ever escape its death grip. For others, you are recognizing the emerging trends of criticism, contempt and defensiveness, leaving only unresolved conflict and bitterness in their wake.
Don’t make light of these predictors of divorce. Don’t justify them or excuse them in your marriage. Give the Holy Spirit freedom to reveal whether or not one or more of them are trampling your union.
Pastor Tim Buttrey and his wife, Linda, specialize in strengthening Christian marriages through their ministry, True Relationships. They led several well-received workshops at the 2009 FCA-U.S. Convention in Orlando.
