by Ted Bichsel.
There’s a rumor in our church that I do not own a pair of jeans. I’m not sure how that started, but to this day people will seriously ask me, “Do you own a pair of jeans?”
Better yet, one husband greeted me with this: “Oh, you’re Pastor Bichsel – my wife is planning to replace our statue of Mary on the lawn with one of you.” Although it was a tempting thought, I persuaded her not to follow through. (It was a small front yard anyway.)
Between the external perceptions of the pastor’s home, the image you yourself feel you need to project, and just plain old reality, it sometimes feels like multiple personalities. How do you live for the Lord in the real-time of marriage, raise kids, and do pastoring, all while sustaining your sainthood? (Oops, sorry, couldn’t resist.) Maybe the real question is, how real can you be with yourself?
Phyllis and I have found that living real in our married life, our family and our church can be best expressed in the word CHOICE. (You thought I was going to say something spiritual, didn’t you?) Every moment of every day we make choices that bring balance and focus. We’ve been making these choices over 26 years of marriage and 24 years of ministry. They have allowed us to grow a Christ-centered marriage, family and ministry.
Here is our acrostic:
Christ-centered life ALL the time. We never want to be accused of being so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good. Our life in Christ must not come and go, peaking around church events and services. Those who watch us have to see a consistent witness of our daily life in Christ. Too many PKs and MKs complain that the Christ of the ministry and the Christ of their home are not at all the same. Better to be real in your day-to-day successes and failures than to keep up a false Pastor Image at home. Christ has called you to be a Spouse and a Parent, too.
Happy. One of the gifts Phyllis brings into our lives is her happiness. We relish just plain old laughing, enjoying a table game, having a picnic in my office, taking a spontaneous road trip, or enjoying the blessing of our kids at their soccer games, school productions and special events. Many a counseling session or committee meeting has been planned around a concert or soccer game unbeknownst to others. We celebrate the daily events of each other and of our children. We even declare “Happy Times” where nothing discouraging or serious is allowed to be discussed.
Overcome the things of the past. So many times the failures that have impacted our ministry image have impacted our marriage and family, too. Our kids do better when they see us moving on and working through healing. As we apply the biblical principles we preach and teach, they are the first “congregation” to catch the application right in the classroom of our home. When they see us growing, taking in new directions and healing, they feel safe and secure.
We do not talk with them (or around them) about our disappointments with people or ministry. We try and extend grace quickly in our home to one another and to others. Life is too short to pound each other over the disappointments.
Invest in the lives of your spouse and kids. Think of the time, energy and emotion you willingly invest into ministry. Then think about the people who drained you dry and ultimately left the church anyway. Now swallow hard. What does your marriage deposit slip look like? The impact of Ephesians 5 and Revelation 21:2 calls us to see the church and our spouse as a bride without spot or wrinkle. Is that wrinkled mess in the corner your marriage and family, or do they look ready for a wedding?
One wise pastor once said to me, “The people will cheer you on and let you do everything you want. Then at your grave they will say, ‘Too bad he didn’t know how to slow down.'”
Which brings us to the subject of vacation … you know, that paid time you are given by the church for your periodic getaway. I get four weeks a year-and I take every vacation day and personal day available. Not only do I take it, I squeeze each day until it screams “Uncle.”
These times are like lifeblood to our family. We don’t spend a lot of money. We often crash on the floor of out-of-town family and friends. Mostly we just “enjoy the ride,” being together. One time we even took one of those hotel books you find at the Rest Stop and went from one bargain rate to another until we ran out of money. We eat out, we jump on the beds of a cheap (but clean) hotel, swim in the pool and watch movies in bed.
We have had better conversation around a table at an out-of-town McDonald’s than at the best communication seminar. It’s all about time. You have to have both quantity and quality to make it work for the long haul. Face it, 15 minutes is only 15 minutes-don’t let anyone tell you that a “quality” 15 minutes feels like an entire evening for your wife and kids!
Creative. Make a party or celebration out of anything. Phyllis always has a stash of special foods, cake mixes, and favorites for a celebration at any time. We never let an achievement go by without a “stop the clock” recognition. It may be a pancake with a smile, or a gift from the dollar store. We pull out the china for a special pizza party. We even bring out the cloth napkins to make someone feel important, if only for the dinner break between school and church meetings. Each event has a wonderful way of connecting the value of our lives with each other and rejoicing with those who rejoice.
Eat together. Every pastor’s schedule can overrun breakfast and/or dinner. Yet studies of high-achieving children indicated that one of the 20 contributing factors to their success was a regular family mealtime five or more times a week. In our family, we often shun the after-Sunday-church gathering with others in order to have a downtime at home, or at a special place just for us. I figure, I have given 100 percent plus in the last five hours; now I can give at least the same to my “small group.” Whether we are eating my famous homemade pizza or sharing Chinese take-out, Sunday afternoon is crash time, when we can just be together and “chill” as a family.
All right, so I know you are still asking; does he have jeans or not?
What else would I wear to hang out with the family? Besides, I had to buy jeans after I accumulated too many grass stains and barbecue stains on my suits!
Make your faith real and celebrate the marriage and family God has given you. The church will thank you and be proud of their pastor and his family too!
Ted Bichsel is an associate pastor at Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle, Smithtown, New York.
